His poetry…

an unfinished lesson on love

where did we finish off last time?

ah, yes, the servant’s heart.

it is a reoccuring theme

          a root

               a hinge point

                    a legacy.

your struggles:

–understanding the lack of conditions

–envisioning the flesh in self as a sinking subplot.

I mention only a couple knowing the delicate,

the fragile psyche that all too often falls

victim to the adverse,

                    to the advertisements

                         to the adventure you have painted for youself

with such a narrow margin “for error”.

sadly, it takes more than a dictionary to teach you that cleanliness

is not next to godliness.

to err is…

to not acknowledge the exsitence of suffering within all.

it is even more detrimental for this

unfinished lesson on love

to not do anything about it.

love.

be loved.

quick update

we haven’t written much in awhile.  actually, life has been somewhat crazy.  we were able to spend the holidays with my family in michigan–this was the first time in 5 years for me to be with my family during this time.  it was wonderful!  lots of nephew love for us!  a pretty exciting thing for us is a treasure we invested in a few weeks ago.  we have made ice cream, hummus, soup (yes, it brings it to boiling) and many of green spinach smoothies so far.  

receiving the goodness

 

what i have been wishing for for a long time

if you aren’t familiar, check out www.vitamix.com.  hope your holidays were just as wonderful.  we are still looking for jobs.  i’m not really sure what else to say about that.  we are hoping something will happen now that it is the new year and new budgets are in effect.

drinking hope

deborah and i both enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning.  it was a week and a half ago that we were at the goodwill looking for either a french press or a percolator to help us make our brew while we are staying in austin job-hunting.  we scored a percolator for a $1.99.  it is as temperamental at making coffee as we can sometimes be at holding onto hope in this employment maze.

each day we check our email looking to see if our resume caught the eye of potential employers.  when the inbox comes up empty, we take another sip of our coffee and begin checking the job boards.  last time either of us looked for jobs, employers were not as reliant on the internet.  it appears that so much of the hiring process has been outsourced to companies that supposedly specialize in human resources.  this is the employment maze that i speak of.  this maze seems to lead you down different rabbit holes of online applications, qualifications checklist, references request and the constant invitation to further my education at schools such as university of phoenix along with the nagging wish of being able to speak with someone face-to-face.  

one more sip left in my mug.  there is hope.  and not just hope for gainful employment.  there is hope in knowing that God has a greater purpose for this time in our lives in conjunction with all the other lessons He is teaching us.  and i cannot look for all the right answers.  what i must look to do is ask the right questions.  He is mysterious.  just like hope.  just like faith.

will the percolator work tomorrow?  i can only hope.

bike, bus & train

it has hard to imagine it was only 3 months.  but maybe time is like money and you should be cautious about putting the word only in front of it. 

i worked in downtown atlanta while living about 35 miles away.  the commute started with a 3.5 mile bike ride from my in-laws house to the bus stop.  the bus ride to the train station took anywhere between 30-45 minutes depending a number of factors that were often unpredictable.  once at the train station, i would be getting on a southbound MARTA train into atlanta.  the “R” in MARTA supposedly stands for “Rapid” *pausing to regain my composure*.  i transferred in the center of the city to a westbound train and finally completed the trek with a 1.5 mile bike ride to my job.  total time could be anywhere in between 1.5-2.5 hours, the variance being largely out of my control.  have i mentioned yet that i went insane due to this experience?

i am once again on the job hunt.  the reasons for leaving my previous job are multi-faceted, and as you can imagine, the commute played a factor.  you may be wondering why i even accepted a job offer so far away from where i was living.  that is an easy question: desperate.  i was desperate for work and saw an opportunity that quickly faded when my place of employment laid-off nearly 20% of their salary jobs.  i was hourly looking to go salary in the near future.

here i am again, desperate, sitting in my brother’s house in austin hoping for a phone call, email, txt msg . . . something that will allow deborah and i to have our own place once again.  it’s pretty quiet in the cyber world of job seeking for me right now.  i wouldn’t say it has been silent since i (or my wife) get emails on a daily basis asking us of we want to further our education through the university of phoenix to better our career.  what a relief it is that someone somewhere out there in www land has my best interest in mind when it comes to my educational/career goals.

what next?

The Lord is near to all who call upon Him.  To all who call upon Him in truth.  He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He also will hear their cry and save them.  The Lord preserves all who love Him, but all the wicked He will destroy.  My mouth shall speak the praise of the Lord, And all flesh shall bless His holy name forever and ever.  Psalm 145: 18-21

My heart is broken.  I sit on the floor, staring.  Not really focusing on anything.  In yoga class we meditate, keeping our gaze soft.  Meaning allowing your gaze to spread outward, looking towards the peripheral.  I am not really practicing that at the moment.  Instead I am watching the ceiling fan spin and I feel myself, my emotions begin to twirl out of control.  

Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices; my flesh also will rest in hope.  For You will not leave my soul in Sheol, nor will You allow Your Holy One to see corruption.  You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.  Psalm 16:9-11

What are we doing?  Why has God allowed us to be where we are?  Why did things end the way they did over in Vienna?  Why do we still feel this pain that began over there?  When will we fully be restored and healed?  How can so much hurt happen on the field?

“What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit?  Will the dust praise You?  Will it declare Your truth?  Hear, O Lord, and have mercy on me; Lord, be my helper!”  You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, to the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.  O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.  Psalm 30:9-12

Where do we go from here?  What is the purpose of having us struggle now when we could heal?

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles.  The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit.  Psalm 34:17-18

Why do we have to wait on Your time?  Why can’t these desires happen now?  I know You have the power to fulfill them.  Are my desires so out of sync with what You want?

Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and feed on His faithfulness.  Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass.  He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, and justice as the noonday.  Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret because of him who prospers in his way . . . The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and he delights in his way.  Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; For the Lord upholds him with His hand.  Psalm 37: 3-7; 23-24

Continuously spinning.  My thoughts and emotions start to win this battle against my faith.  This battle that takes place each day.  Maybe I should stop sitting on this floor.  But I know this battle will take place no matter what.  My thoughts are powerful and plan sneak attacks in the night.  Waking me up.  Taking me hostage and not allowing me to be free.

Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!  The Lord of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our refuge.  Psalm 46: 10-11

Hear my cry, O God; attend to my prayer.  From the end of the earth I will cry to You, when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.  For You have been a shelter for me, a strong tower from the enemy.  I will abide in Your tabernacle forever; I will trust in the shelter of  Your wings. Psalm 61: 1-4

What is scary for me, is I feel myself slipping.  I have slipped before.  I have gone to places where depression and despair are so overwhelming.  I have spent days not moving, not eating, just being, staring.  I am not there right now.  Oliver helped pull me out of that when he was a pup.  His needs are probably the one thing that gives me reason not to just sit now.  I am fighting against this with all I am.  I am determined one minute not to go there and then the next I feel myself settle in and take the punches willingly.  

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.  And you will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.  I will be found by you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back from your captivity.  Jeremiah 29:11-14b

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6-7

And lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.  Matthew 28:20b

This is why I usually sleep with my bible on my chest.  When I can’t sleep, when I am being attacked by so many of my old demons.  I can find rest in Him.  We leave for Austin in a little over a week.  This is scary.  We don’t have much of a plan.  We are trusting God will reveal His plan to us.  I will have to stop sitting and staring.  Maybe I should practice my yoga more.  Maybe I should pray more.  Maybe I shouldn’t stop sleeping with my bible.

rainy afternoon thoughts about food

We have been struggling through a few things lately.  It is almost hard to process it all in terms of making a list.   For about 3 years we have been consistently making changes, edits if you will, to the way we eat.  It isn’t simply just the way we eat.  It is the entire concept of our diet/nutrition can play pretty important roles in your life.  Through this journey, we have learned a lot, we have experimented a lot, grown a lot.  I understand there are skeptics that don’t buy into this type of thinking.  That is fine.  Ha, I feel like most of our family thinks we are crazy about our ideals.  In talking about this, I feel the need to share a story about us.  Soon after we were married (within weeks) I was pretty sick.  Really sick.  After I ate anything, it did not matter what it was, fresh fruit, veggies, chips, rice, anything–I would be on the ground within 20 minutes unable to move.  My body would instinctively curl up in the fetal position as I endured the most horrific stabbing pain.  This would happen day after day.  It was terrible.  I knew if I ate that would be how I would feel afterwards.  This continued for 3 months before I decided to make a change.  I had done some research (not a whole lot at that point) but some and had decided to participate in a colon detox diet.  Andrew, my compassionate husband, decided he would participate with me.  For 3 1/2 weeks we did not consume: yeast, salt, sugar, caffeine, alcohol and butter.  For the first 2 weeks we did not have any carbs and only a tiny selection of veggies, fresh fish, flax seed and some crazy drinks involving hot lemon water with flax seeds and a combination of watered down cranberry juice (real cranberry juice without sugar or other fruits added).  Needless to say it shocked my body in the right direction.  Oh and at the end of the detox we were wanting what we still thought of then as “real food” and decided to treat ourselves to Olive Garden.  We drank wine, ate breadsticks, pasta, dessert, etc.  But had to choke everything down because nothing tasted good to us.  In just a matter of weeks, we changed our pallets pretty much forever.  Since then, I have not stopped researching, learning and seeking out more ways to change.  Yes, we eat salt but we have taken out a few things once again.  We have taken out all white flour, white sugar and are eating a completely vegetarian diet.  I, Deborah, am only drinking decaf coffee for now.  We are “raw until dinner”!  We are so excited about this too!  We are drinking green smoothies for breakfast and lunch and only snacking on fresh veggies,fruit or raw almonds throughout the day.  Breakfast this morning was watermelon, spinach, nectarines and mint leaves.  I know this sounds disgusting to most, but really it is quite good.  We love the lightness we feel during the day.  Note, not hunger, lightness.  Meaning, we don’t have that crazy full engorged feeling that makes you feel like you either need to sleep it off or knock out some caffeine to keep going.  We are moving and growing in the direction we have longed for for quite awhile.  It is amazing how much your environment effects you.  While we lived in Vienna, we never felt like we could commit to this.  Whether finances played a part, we didn’t have much when it came to kitchen appliances over there so being without a high powered blender or food processor made it hard.   Since we returned, we have been staying w/family.  That makes it difficult too.  It is amazing how personal it can be taken when you simply do not eat the same things you did 10 years previously.  Needless to say there was some transition pains that took place.

We have a lot of things on our hearts right now but this is something we, in many ways, have been convicted about.  We sat in our church a couple weeks ago, a church is going through a series in Daniel, and the pastor actually spoke about how diet can affect you.  About how food can become something we obsess more about that God.  Food!  And how on one end, we may obsess about food and on the other end we end up obsessing more about ourselves.  Andrew and I were blown away.  We both just laughed at how in many ways one of the reasons God led us to attend this church would be so we could be challenged in this way.  Note, our church and pastor is not pressuring people to change their diet or pursue a raw diet.  The thing is, God has been convicting us of this for so long that we literally would talk about it every day and feel lost.  We weren’t sure what we were supposed to do with that.  I know some friends who would read this and think “they eat so healthy”, but the truth is we both struggle so much in our minds when it comes to food.  Maybe we do have crazy ideals for what it should look like.  But as much as we have tried to talk ourselves out of it or put it off–this is where we are.  This is where God has brought us for now.  I’m still searching and learning.  I’m sure we will continue to change but this isn’t an experiment.  This is our lifestyle for now.  If this helps us not to focus on food but more on what God wants for us; if this helps us to not focus on what is ailing us physically and gives us more time to worship and praise God; if this helps us to follow obediently to what God wants–then this is good and right.

squeaky clean and brand new

Well, since we did such a poor job with upkeep of our first blog, we decided to try again.  This time we have all the power to change things up and hopefully will nurture this one a little more.  When we first started to explore the option of keeping a blog, we were adjusting to life overseas.  Now we have returned to America and are readjusting to life here.   It is a struggle that is frustrating and liberating at different moments.  Not sure yet, what this blog will turn into.  It may be a place for us to simply write our thoughts independently or together.  We are hoping this is a great way to keep in contact with our friends and supporters across the world.  

 

May 2008, in front of the Charles Bridge in Prague.

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